She Hates Me
by Tina Lang
Summary: Yamcha is bitter after his breakup with Bulma. So now it's his turn to tell the whole world the truth about their relationship!


Disclaimer: If I owned DBZ, Bulma and Yamcha would have never gotten together in the first place, so there would have been no need for them to break up! And I also don't own the song "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd, but damn . I wish I did! ^.~  
  
A/N: Yamcha's POV of his relationship with Bulma! Filled with plenty of Yamcha bashing! ^.~  
  
~~* Lyrics *~~  
  
*** First-Person Pov, Yamcha ***  
  
  
  
She Hates Me  
  
***My name is Yamcha, and I just got out of a horrific, dead end relationship that dominated my whole life up until now. For some reason, everyone keeps looking at me like I'm the bad guy in this whole thing, even though it's that bitch Bulma's fault for every bad thing that ever happened to us! We were together for over 15 years, and now that we're no longer together I've decided that it's time to tell my side of the story, since we all know Bulma's blabbed her old spiel about what a horrible boyfriend I was to just about everyone she knows, and even plenty of strangers, I'm sure! Even though she has absolutely no right to hate me, after all the things she's done.  
  
But let me just start from the beginning here, so maybe you'll understand what I'm talking about .***  
  
  
  
~~*Met a girl, thought she was grand Fell in love, found out first hand Went well for a week or two Then it all came unglued*~~  
  
***When I first met Bulma, I was just a simple desert bandit. I lived a simple, uncomplicated life, just me and Puar, independent, doing our own thing.  
  
Then Bulma came along.  
  
Not only was she rich, but she was hot, too! And the clothes she wore showed off her amazing body to perfection! Naturally, I was attracted, even though at that time I was a little shy around girls.  
  
And, wonder of wonders, she was attracted to me, too! It was kind of scary at first, how downright forward she was, but it was flattering all the same.  
  
At the very first opportunity she got, Bulma jumped in my pants. Seeing as how we were both sixteen, and ruled by our adolescent hormones, I didn't object.***  
  
  
  
~~*In a trapped trip I can't grip Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip Then I started to realize I was living one big lie*~~  
  
  
  
***It wasn't until after she had plucked my cherry that I discovered that she wasn't a virgin. Not even close! I asked her about all the guys she'd slept with, and she started counting, and it turned out that there were, like, 200 before me! And she was only 16!  
  
That's the kind of woman Bulma Briefs is: a SLUT!***  
  
  
  
~~*She fucking hates me Trust She fucking hates me La la la love I tried too hard And she tore my feelings like I had none And ripped them away*~~  
  
  
  
***Well, I, being the shy, quiet, nice young man that I was, decided not to mention or question her past after that one shocking instance. So, our relationship continued on, with Bulma always taking the role of sexual aggressor and me just lying back and enjoying the view.  
  
Although I tried very hard to make the relationship work, even going so far as to move in with Bulma and her parents, she couldn't have cared less. She was just in it for the sex and because she thought I was hot!  
  
Which, admittedly, I was-and still am, I might add!***  
  
  
  
~~*She was queen for about an hour After that shit got sour She took all I ever had No sign of guilt No feeling of bad, no*~~  
  
  
  
***I gave Bulma Briefs my heart, and what did she do? She tore it up into little pieces, that's what!  
  
I treated her like a queen! I catered to her every whim, did all the crazy, kinky sexual things she wanted me to do, and how did she repay me?  
  
By cheating on me, that's what!  
  
I always get a bad rap from everyone, looking at me and exclaiming "How could you cheat on poor Bulma and treat her so poorly like that?"  
  
My response is always the same: "Yes, I did cheat on Bulma, but only in retaliation, because she cheated on me first!"  
  
And she didn't cheat just one time, oh, no. She cheated on me during most of our relationship! And still I busted my butt, trying to make it work, while she just laughed and tossed her hair and went off to fuck some other guy!***  
  
  
  
~~*In a trapped trip I can't grip Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip Then I started to realize I was living one big lie*~~  
  
***I first found out about her cheating ways in a rather indirect way.  
  
One day I was in a bar-not drinking, of course, I hardly ever drink a drop! I was just hanging out with some of my buds, doing guy stuff. Not picking up chicks or anything like that!  
  
But as I was saying, I was in a bar, and suddenly I heard the name "Bulma Briefs."  
  
So I turned around, wondering who was talking about my girlfriend, when there stood this tall, muscular blond guy with a smile that could blind a person from miles away. And he was talking about he had just had sex with Bulma the night before!  
  
I was mortified. My girlfriend, first of all, was cheating on me, but more importantly, her selection of guys was so poor that she chose one that would kiss and tell like that, spreading her name around as though she were a cheap, twenty-five cent whore, and ruining her-and my, by association as her boyfriend-reputation!  
  
I absolutely refused to be treated in such a manner, so I confronted Bulma with the reality of her cheating.  
  
She just shrugged and said, "So, what? Everyone's doing it!"  
  
I was shocked. How could any woman, especially one so rich and powerful, have such loose morals?  
  
So I broke up with her then and there, telling her that I refused to be a part of her little prostitution ring of a life.  
  
She just rolled her eyes and said to me, "You'll be back."  
  
To my eternal shame, I was back the very next day.  
  
But not in the way you think!  
  
I came back because, having moved out of the Briefs' house due to morals, I had no job or place of residence. So I had to get a temporary job working as a pizza delivery boy. And the Briefs just so happened to order pizza, from the very place I was working, the very day after I broke up with Bulma!  
  
She came to the door and smiled at me and started flirting with me, just as though nothing had happened! I couldn't help but flirt back; even now, I still have to admit that Bulma is one hot babe!  
  
So one thing led to another, and we ended up in bed, with empty pizza boxes and slices of pizza strewn about. It was disgusting. Afterwards, not only was my skin sweaty, it was greasy, too! And Bulma ended up peeling a stray piece of pizza off of her thigh and eating it! I had to run to the bathroom and vomit after that one.  
  
So, in spite of her disgusting habits, and in spite of her cheating ways, we got back together.  
  
But even though it all, she refused to stop cheating! It was one guy after the next, all these revolving door relationships. Eventually I was scared to have sex with her without protection because, after all, who knew what sorts of nasties she had lurking around in her "woman's area" after doing the nasty with all those guys?  
  
So, in retaliation, I started cheating on her. Well, I only did it once, because my moral standards are too high to withstand cheating!  
  
So I cheated on her, then bragged about it to her, hoping that it would cause her to understand the pain I had been feeling every time she cheated on me in the past. Then, once she understood, she would stop her cheating ways and become faithful to me once again, like in the old days of our relationship, when things were actually good.  
  
But, no. When she discovered that I had slept with another woman, her eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "Oh, Yamcha, can we have a threesome?" I was absolutely disgusted by this, and attempted to break up with her yet again. But she tore down my defences by seducing me, the same as she always does.  
  
Bulma Briefs, I have learned, is good for only one thing: Sex!***  
  
  
  
~~*She fucking hates me Trust She fucking hates me La la la love I tried too hard And she tore my feelings like I had none And ripped them away*~~  
  
***After I died and she went to Namek and realized the pain of loneliness, I thought everything would get better.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
After she got back from Namek, she started flirting with that evil, planet- destroying, mass-murdering Saiyan, Vegeta. I couldn't believe it! Here I was, dead, training on King Kai's planet in order to protect her and the rest of the world, and she was trying to seduce our enemy!  
  
I was furious!  
  
Thank goodness he went out into space, looking for Goku, leaving us all behind. And I came back and spent time with Bulma, and our relationship actually began to improve. It was better than it had ever been, even in the beginning. I fell in love with her all over again, and she stopped cheating on me and fell in love with me, too.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
Everything changed when Vegeta came back and started living with her.  
  
I was a bit suspicious at first, but then things quieted down. The Saiyan seemed interested only in the Gravity Room Bulma and her father had built for him, and he completely ignored the two of us.  
  
Our sex life, however, began to dwindle shortly after he moved back in. I should have suspected something was going on then, but I didn't. Bulma always had perfectly reasonable excuses for why she didn't feel up to having sex. She was tired, or she needed to get up early in the morning, or she was sore from spending all day fixing the gravity machine, etc, etc, etc. The list of excuses went on and on.  
  
But I trusted her, and believed her.  
  
Then, I found out she was pregnant.  
  
I told her that we should get married, seeing as how babies should not be born outside of marriage, as it is a sin! Anyone who bears a child outside of marriage should burn at the stake, I told her!  
  
She told me to calm down, and said that we might get married before the birth of the baby.  
  
I just looked at her like she was crazy. What the hell was wrong with her? Whenever I brought up the subject of marriage, she got a little edgy, as though she didn't actually want to marry me, even though of course I know she did! After all, by this point she was an old maid! A spinster! Over thirty years old and still no husband to her name! She was a disgrace among women, and I told her so constantly.  
  
I played the part of the dutiful, self-sacrificing father-to-be. Doing things for her, buying things for her, stuff like that. I even went with her when she got her ultra-sound.  
  
And it was there, in the doctor's office, that I got the nastiest little surprise of my life.  
  
As we stared up at the screen, watching the little baby moving around in the womb, something strange showed up. I squinted at it, then my eyes widened as I realized what it was: A tail!  
  
I glared at Bulma. "Our baby has a tail!"  
  
At least she had the grace to blush. "Well, Yamcha, you see, I've been meaning to tell you. Vegeta and I have been secretly having an affair since about a month after he came to live with me, and I'm in love with him. So it must be his baby after all!"  
  
Then she had the gaul to smile at me. She started talking about how happy she was that it was his child and not mine. I just stared at her, mouth agape.  
  
How could she do that to me?  
  
After all my years of faithfulness! I only cheated on her once, when she cheated on me dozens of times! Everyone sees her as the innocent woman, the victim. I was the victim! I'm the one everyone should sympathize over! Not that slut Bulma!***  
  
  
  
~~*That's my story, as you see Learned my lesson and so did she Now it's over and I'm glad 'cause I'm a fool for all I've said*~~  
  
***Well, that's the story of my relationship with Bulma Briefs. How she used me, wronged me, and cheated on me. And how she told her 'sob story' to everyone, in order to get the sympathy that I deserve!  
  
But I will sit quietly in the sidelines no more! It's my turn to speak up now! It's my turn to tell the world the truth about my relationship with that cheating bitch, Bulma Briefs!  
  
And it's my turn now to expose all of her dirty little secrets. The things that she leaves out. The things that she doesn't want anyone to know!  
  
I know them all.  
  
And soon, you will, too!***  
  
  
  
~~*She fucking hates me Trust She fucking hates me La la la love I tried too hard And she tore my feelings like I had none And ripped them away*~~  
  
  
  
"Watcha writing, Yamcha?"  
  
Yamcha jumped up, surprised, then whirled around to see Bulma standing behind him, holding baby Trunks, peering over his shoulder at the file he had been writing on the computer, entitled "Yamcha's Memoirs: My Life with Bulma Briefs."  
  
Bulma's eyes narrowed as she read the lies he had written about her, then she turned and glared at him.  
  
"Yamcha," she threatened warningly.  
  
"Uh, Bulma, wait, I can explain!" he said as he cowered away from the blue- haired woman.  
  
Bulma snorted. "I can't believe you, Yamcha! Writing lies about me! And on my own computer, in my own basement, just because you can't afford your own!" She glared at him viciously. "You know very well that we only slept together once. ONCE! In all those years! It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life! And I was a virgin, too! And as for Vegeta, well, I certainly wasn't getting any from you, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I told you! I didn't ever try to lie and tell you that Trunks was yours!" She was getting angrier-and scarier, Yamcha thought-by the minute!  
  
"Bulma baby," he pleaded, "Please, just let me explain!"  
  
"Well, it had better be a good explanation, then," Bulma declared, "Because it's not me you're going to have to explain it to!"  
  
Yamcha's eyes widened. No-she wouldn't!  
  
"VEGETA!"  
  
Yamcha cringed. He was really in for it now! He'd probably be spending at least a week in the hospital after this!  
  
And he was pretty sure Bulma would delete his memoirs, too.  
  
Damn! He had gotten a promise of a large sum of money if he came out with memoirs that told all of Bulma's dirty secrets!  
  
And since she didn't really have any dirty little secrets that he knew of, he'd just decided to make some up. There was no harm in that!  
  
Right?  
  
Vegeta stormed into the room, glaring at Yamcha. "What is it, Woman?" he asked gruffly.  
  
"Yamcha's been writing lies about me!" Bulma exclaimed, pointing the computer.  
  
With a warning glare directed towards his mate's ex-boyfriend, Vegeta stalked over to the computer and started reading Yamcha's memoirs. After a few minutes, he let out a hearty, yet very evil-sounding, laugh.  
  
Bulma glowered at him. "Vegeta! What are you laughing at?"  
  
The Saiyan Prince smirked. "The human's stupidity."  
  
Vegeta turned to Yamcha, his arms folded across his chest. "No one," the Saiyan growled lowly, "slanders my woman and lives!"  
  
The screams, yelps, and pathetic pleas for mercy could be heard for miles around.  
  
And the smell of burnt, ki-blasted, charbroiled flesh permeated the air of Bulma's basement for at least a month.  
  
  
  
~~*La la la la la la la la la love Trust La la la la la la la la la love Trust And she tore my feelings like I had none She fucking hates me*~~  
  
A/N: Hehe, poor Yamcha! ^.~ But we all know he got what he deserved! Attempting to spread all those lies about Bulma! How dare he!  
  
This is the first 'first-person' fic I've done, so Please REVIEW and tell me what you thought! Thanks!  
  
Love, Tina 


End file.
